Sherality Tale
by ThatLousyAuthor
Summary: Do you enjoy bickering characters and heavyhanded moralizing? Than have I got the story for you!


"What were you thinking!?"

"That they should hear some decent music like we used to play in the lair."

"How could you let them dig around in Aunt Agnes' stuff!? First I get turned into a baby, then they unleash that metallic neat freak, and now this!"

"I thought that closet was just old records. I had no idea that thing was in there."

"You better have an idea how to fix this!"

"Keep up the yelling. It's really helping my computations."

To be fair yelling was the only way Kelly could be heard over the loud and disturbing noises coming from her brother, but I never miss a chance to be sarcastic with her. Accepting that I wasn't a deus ex machina she went for a direct approach, bashing and kicking the infernal contraption in a desperate attempt to break it's spell over Guy. When that didn't work she tried shoving it off the platform, but it didn't budge an inch. Left with no other option she resorted to tackling him and wrestling the device from his hands, but his grip remained firm.

Maz found her struggle amusing, commenting between mouthfuls of popcorn. "I thought... you didn't... want a turn... did you... change your mind?"

"I want him to shutup before my eardrums burst!" Again with the yelling.

"What are you... talking about... he's great!"

Kelly disagreed. She expressed her disagreement by taking a running start and kneeing Guy between the legs. Collapsing to the ground in agony he finally let go of the mic and ended their torment. The karaoke machine still blasted an instrumental, but they were spared his torturous singing.

"Thank you Kelly. Heart of Glass was your aunt's favorite and I couldn't stand listening to him butcher it."

We're going with Blondie? Wouldn't Aerosmith be more appropriate? The author knows which song I'm talking about.

"Cool... now it's... my turn!" Swallowing the last handful of popcorn Maz leapt from his chair and grabbed the mic. Kelly was backing up for another run when fate intervened.

"Shemergency! Shemergency! The Big and Tall store is being robbed by Little Moochers. Get over there SheZow and fit them for some prison stripes."

Guy hobbled over to my console, apparently still unaware that I can hear him just fine from anywhere. "Can it wait a minute Sheila? I just got hit right in the..."

"No!" Using my robot arms I chucked him in the shehicle with his tonedeaf sidekick and activated the autopilot. When they were gone I gave Kelly her orders.

"Go down to shequipment storage and get one of the laser lipsticks. We're getting rid of that thing for good."

She wasn't listening. She'd picked up the mic and was glancing around to make sure they were alone, a smile forming on her face.

* * *

While I suffered through the worst performance of Dreaming I'd ever heard SheZow was speeding across town with his sidekick... uh... what's he going with this time?

"Bowl Cut!"

Really? He just cut eyeholes in the popcorn bowl and strapped it to his head with ducttape. How lazy, and I wasn't the only one to think so.

"Come on dude. You gotta put more effort into these costumes."

"You try coming up with a fresh costume in five seconds! I can't just say some magic words and have a whole outfit appear on me like you do."

"Still though, you couldn't do better than that?"

"Yeah my costume sure is silly, says the 70s throwback in tacky leopard print."

Knowing he didn't have a rebuttal for that SheZow shut up and watched the road. Minutes later they were at the Big and Tall store, a place that took it's name quite literally. It was several stories tall, filled the entire block, and he could have easily driven the shehicle through it's massive door. Inside were seemingly endless racks of oversized clothing surrounding a massive circular staircase to the floors above. The open space in the center was dominated by colossal mannequins who's heads almost touched the ceiling.

"Huh, so I guess that's where Manny Ken came from." While SheZow gawked at the displays Bowl Cut was checking out the merchandise.

"How does 'Extra Large' sound for a sidekick? No wait that's taken. What about 'Bad Fit'? That's a way better..."

Not wanting to hear a second more of this blather I projected my hologram between them. "Would you two focus! You're here to thwart a robbery."

SheZow sherugged. "What robbery? I don't see anybody."

They might not see anything, but they definitely heard something in the formalwear department.

"That's not how you tie a knot Willigan!"

"Like you know any better Hoogrin!"

Racing toward the familiar accents they found themselves in a labyrinth of suits and ties, SheZow zooming down the aisles while Bowl Cut lowered his head to charge through racks of clothing like a bull. Smashing through a wall of children's tuxedos he emerged wearing one, quite a shock for the people on the other side. The crowd was being held hostage by the hairy duo with the fat one trying and failing to tie them up while the skinny one covered him. Turning his weapon on the helmeted stranger he asked the obvious questions.

"Who are you? And why do you have a bowl on your head?"

Standing up straight he took a moment to calmly fix his cuffs before answering in the most refined voice he could manage. "The name's Cut. Bowl Cut."

I'm warning the author, if we do a joke that corny again I'm out of here. The Moochers must have disapproved as well because they opened fire. Their harmless water guns had been modified through redneck ingenuity into less harmless lasers, but the worst they could do was leave a bruise. Bowl Cut was getting a headache from blocking their shots with his namesake when SheZow finally showed up.

"Sorry I'm late, this place is shediculously big and I got lost in..." He noticed midsentence what his friend was wearing and forgot all about his falsetto. "Woah, nice threads!"

"What's wrong with her voice? She sounds like..." The thin Moocher was too distracted by the sudden drop in 'her' pitch to notice 'her' sidekick charging and was completely bowled over by the tackle. SheZow easily took care of the wide Moocher by kicking the laser away and fishnetting both of them. He was trying to come up with a quip when the criminal pair burst into laughter. Picking up the sacks of Moocher he held them at eye level for questioning, remembering to use the right voice this time.

"What's so funny? Gimme the short answer." There's that quip we were looking for.

They gave him a question instead. "Why would we rob the Big and Tall store?"

The other sack chimed in. "We can't even wear this stuff!"

Bowl Cut had a good idea. "You could take something from the kid's section like I did. The tag says this tux is for a 7 year old."

SheZow had a bad idea. "Or you could stand on each other's shoulders."

Neither were right. "We're gettin paid to be bait you big dummy!"

"If you're bait than who's the fisherman?" He tried shaking an answer out of them, but all he got was the same insult shouted even louder.

"I said, you big dummy!"

"I'm not the one in a bag you..." His comeback was interrupted by a sudden surge of She-S-P. With a mighty swing he chucked the moochers out a window before turning to warn his sidekick, only to find it unnecessary. Bowl Cut knew She-S-P when he saw it and was instinctively leading the civilians away before things went bad.

As they were herded out the door a creaking sound echoed through the vast structure. One of the enormous mannequins was beginning to lean. With every moment it picked up speed and not even a sonic scream could stop it's momentum. He could only leap out of it's way as the colossus smashed through the upper floors and flattened a wing of the store. Posing on it's back was a familiar figure with a green jumpsuit and lasers sprouting from her arms.

"Hello there SheZow, just dropping in to..."

He was too impressed to care what Tara had to say. "That was the most shemazing entrance I've ever seen! How did you get it to fall in the right direction? How did you keep from sliding off as it..."

Enraged at his rudeness she leapt down and stuck an arm cannon in his face. "Don't interrupt my monologue! That's the best part of being a villain!" The rest of her rant was somewhat difficult to hear over the sound of laser blasts. "First you toss me aside, then you steal the spotlight from me, now you won't even let me finish my lines!" He could hardly respond to her points when he was busy dodging green beams. "I spend ages setting this up, I come up with the perfect zinger, and you blab over it!" Whipping out his laser lipstick he used one hand to block while the other went for his boomerang brush. "You can't even let me have this one little bit of fun! Everything has to be about you!"

The off-handed throw missed completely, but it made her duck and distracted her just long enough to close the distance. "Heavy handed super she slap!"

The mighty smack launched her through a skylight and up into the clouds. He was so fascinated watching the green speck fade away in the distance that he didn't notice Bowl Cut's return until he asked. "Wow, is that a record?"

* * *

It was a record. Tara had flown all the way across Megadale to land in a dumpster behind some suburban burger joint. It was the softest landing she could've hoped for, even if it was absolutely revolting, and she could have easily climbed out. Instead she lay there thinking about her defeat. It was her most embarrassing fight yet, a literal one hit knock out.

She explained her dilemma to the passing clouds. "Lousy SheZow and her lousy super speed. If only I could afford to move that fast."

The cybernetics gave her comparable strength and their reactors doubled as energy weapons, but her inheritance hadn't been enough for the speed upgrades. She wasn't completely without natural powers, super snot and rapid fire fingernails had their uses, but they were pretty lame compared to someone who could demolish buildings with their scream.

She shared her frustration with the empty sky. "That pink princess has no idea how lucky she is. She never had to pay a cent for her powers."

She didn't expect a reply. Especially not one with an Austrian accent. "I can help you, for a price."

* * *

Leaving Tara to compost we return to our heroes. They were celebrating victory with a trip to the mall, and of course they were bickering.

"Come on. Let me have a bite."

"No. You should've bought your own."

"Just one little nibble. I'm starving over here!"

"I was hungry too. That's why I bought a sandwich."

"That's cold dude."

Poor Maz, forced to go hungry just for a cheap gag. He was saving his money for sidekick outfits. Piling his shopping cart high with clothes and gadgets he went for the changing rooms while Guy waited outside. Having finished his lunch he passed the time checking out clothes and talking to himself.

"Maybe I should try a new look. This hoodie is starting to wear out."

Examining a group of hats he picked out a black ski cap and tried it on. Before he had a chance to pronounce judgment on his new style Maz leapt out of the changing room wearing a green jacket. Taking one look at each other they shook their heads, muttered "Nah" in unison, and removed the offending items. Disappearing back inside Maz emerged wearing a red jumpsuit with white boots and white gloves. The outfit wasn't half as eyecatching as his hair, it stuck straight up like he'd been electrocuted.

Guy found it disturbing. "You're freaking me out man. Try something less... how should I say... loud."

Back into the changing room Maz went. Moments later he returned wearing a male cheerleader's outfit, waving around a hair dryer, and shouting. "Look out Coldfinger! It's the CheerHeater!"

Guy shrugged. "Eh, feels like it's been done before."

Again Maz vanished into the changing room and reappeared moments later. This time he wore a poncho, a black bandanna with eyeholes cut in it, and a pair of boxing gloves.

"Let me guess..." Before he had a chance to guess Maz bopped him on the head and yelled.

"Puncho!"

"It's creative but..." Guy's opinion was overruled by another bop to the head.

"Puncho!"

"That's really getting on my..." Again he was bopped into submission.

"Puncho!"

Guy was rubbing the sore spot on his head when a flash of She-S-P sent him dashing into the changing room. Seconds later SheZow kicked down the door and my hologram popped out to greet him.

"We've got trouble SheZow. Tara's gone on a robbing spree down at..." My explanation was interrupted by the sounds of laser fire and screaming. "...the mall."

"Gee, thanks Sheila. Never would have figured that out by myself."

I was gonna warn him about Tara's new abilities, but after that smartalec comment I think he can fend for himself. With a scowl I shut off my hologram and left them to handle the situation by themselves.

Though at the moment their biggest concern was the furious store clerk stomping toward them. "There's a doorknob for a reason! Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix that door? You better have the money to..."

Unfortunately for that clerk our hero reacts to responsibility the way a cockroach reacts to light, by scurrying away as quickly as possible. With angry cries of "SheCow!" echoing behind him he dashed out the store and toward the commotion. Pushing his way through the fleeing crowds he rounded a corner and was confronted by Tara doing her Cthulu impression. Sprouting from her nose was a writhing mass of snot tentacles which reached out to pilfer every store she passed. While they focused on emptying registers her arms were blasting anything she saw bearing SheZow's image. It was only when he ducked her blast that she realized this one wasn't a cardboard cutout.

"It must be my lucky day! First one dream comes true and now another!"

"Was your dream to be a human cannonball? You should join the circus instead of picking fights with..."

His snarky comment was silenced by snotacles clamping over his mouth. Their disgusting embrace held him in place as her arm blaster charged to max capacity. Luckily her aim was thrown off at the last moment by a cry of "Puncho!" and a whack to the ribs. The beam missed his head by inches, conveniently melting off some of the mucus, but Puncho didn't fare as well. A snotacle wrapped around his ankle and was twirling him around for Tara's amusement when SheZow managed to clear the gunk off his mouth.

"Put him down!" His furious shout amplified into a wave that threw Tara off her feet and loosened her grip. While he fell softly to the ground Puncho wasn't so lucky and his momentum slung him out to the parking lot. SheZow was running to help his friend when a snotacle snagged him. It's owner was lightly salted from being thrown into a pretzel stand, but otherwise unscathed. That was odd considering how effective the sonic scream usually was. Unfortunately SheZow didn't grasp just how much her powers had increased, instead grasping her snotacle and tugging with all his might. She hadn't expected that and was jerked nosefirst right into a super she slap. Instead of being flattened into a pancake like you'd expect she just shrugged off the slap, countering his blow with a sneeze that launched him through a row of stores. Lonny's Lawncare, Alten Alternators, Irene Ice Cream, Dan's Dandy Diamonds, Sergio's Stereos, and Fran's Fan Dance all got SheZow shaped holes in the wall. As he lay on a pile of Fran's merchandise waiting for the cartoon birds to stop circling his head Tara came strutting down his path of destruction.

"Looks like SheZow has hit the fan!"

I'd like to apologize to our readers for that joke. I do my best to keep the author in line, but it's difficult when they insist on these lame gags. SheZow was too stunned to hear the taunt. Wobbling to his feet he tried to think of his own smack talk, but was pounced on before he could utter a word. His nemesis had grown her fingernails to ludicrous lengths and used them to claw at him like some kind of ferocious artic weasel. Pinned by her newfound strength he was helpless to stop her from using him as a scratching post. The one-sided catfight only ended when Tara heard a dull roar approaching. She was trying to remember where she'd heard that noise before when a familiar voice shouted over it.

"Puncho!"

The realization and the shehicle struck her at roughly the same time. Crashing through the storefront it smashed into Tara and pinned her against the back wall. Battered and bruised SheZow had just enough strength to stumble into shotgun before collapsing in a heap. Leaning on Puncho for support he wheezed out his gratitude.

"Thanks for... Saving me... Dude... Sorry I... Didn't share... My sandwich... "

"Don't beat yourself up over that man. It didn't even have bacon on it."

Puncho could drive amazingly well for someone wearing boxing gloves and easily maneuvered them out of the mall. They assumed Tara was too dazed to give chase, but of course they were wrong. From the parking lot she could be seen soaring out of a skylight and after them. Her nose spewed snot with such velocity that it propelled her like a rocket and she was quickly closing the distance.

SheZow found it more gross than frightening. "I feel sorry for anyone standing under her."

Puncho tried switching to the she-C-10, but even it's jets couldn't outrun her. As she grabbed hold of it SheZow was frantically pointing out the window and shouting.

"There's a woman on the wing of the plane!"

Puncho finally managed to shake her off by diving into the sea and hitting the transformation button. It was only when the sheshell came to rest on the ocean floor, and after several minutes of tense waiting to see if Tara would show up in some sort of snot powered submersible, that they let their guards down.

A frustrated SheZow slammed his fist on the dashboard. "How is Tara more powerful than me all of a sudden? I haven't been beaten up that badly since Kelly caught me reading her diary."

He didn't expect an Austrian accent to chime in from the back seat. "I helped her, and I can help you to."

The two of them spent a solid minute screaming in terror and disbelief at the stranger who had just broken about half the laws of physics. When they finally calmed down Puncho said what they were both thinking.

"Who are you? And since when does the sheshell have a backseat?"

Since we needed one for the plot. I'll let him answer the first question.

"My name is Dr. Hansfranz, and I can pump you up."

Reaching into his grey sweatsuit the 'doctor' pulled out a bicycle pump with a toggle on the side labeled 'pump' and 'suck'. SheZow was not impressed.

"I gotta beat Tara, not fix a flat tire."

"This can help with both, but it will cost you." The number he scribbled on a slip of paper was relatively low, Tara had easily afforded it, but to a 12 year old it was enormous.

"You can't be sherious. I don't have that kind of money!"

"What about all that dough you got for Fibberrachee's photograph?" What about all that gunk you still haven't cleaned out of your ears? Ew.

"Mom and Dad made me put it in a stupid college fund. As if I'm going, who needs education when you got superpowers?"

They were celebrating their ignorance with a highfive when my smile appeared on the dashboard. "Even if you could afford it you shouldn't do this. Remember what happened when you trusted the shehicle with a stranger? Imagine that with your body."

"So you're saying I'll turn into a squirrel?" It was clear from the smirk on his face that he wasn't heeding my warning. Turning to Puncho he asked a more serious question. "Hey can I borrow your cellphone?"

* * *

Several miles offshore was a stereotypical small island. Puncho lounged under it's lone palm tree sipping water from a coconut while his friend sat on the shehicle's hood grumbling into his phone.

"I can't believe he hired you back. Cut the dry wit already and put Rick on the line."

The bored voice on the other end informed him that Mr. Brick was playing tennis and would return shortly. I wanted to spend that time lecturing them, but the shehicle was shut off and the ring was wrapped in heavy layers of ducttape.

Eventually Rick picked up the phone, somehow, and SheZow started his well rehearsed begging. "Rick ole buddy! How's it been? Me I'm in a bit of a jam and..."

He'd only just started the routine when a pile of money miraculously appeared in his lap and a sandwich appeared in his sidekick's hand. Puncho took a hungry bite and shouted through a mouthful of food.

"Thanks Rick!"

He... They... How... Why...

You know what? Forget it. I'm not even gonna try to understand what just happened. That way madness lies. Their phony physician didn't care if the money defied all logic and gladly took his payment. He held out a tube connected to the bicycle pump and commanded his patient.

"Bite down on this, and don't let go."

That's disgusting. Who knows where that tube has been. SheZow did as he was told though and moments later felt a strange sensation. Instead of inflating like a balloon as he expected his body tingled with energy. Every pump seemed to make him stronger and faster. By the end of the procedure he felt like he could juggle planets and outrun light. Spitting out the tube he leapt in the air, shouted "Time for trouble Tara!", and zoomed off like a bullet toward Megadale.

Puncho rolled his eyes. "We never get a chance to just hang out anymore. Always gotta dash off to fight this or save that. I miss the old days."

* * *

Back in the lair a figure in pink power armor was blasting the karaoke machine with a similarly colored palm beam. Despite being at it for a good five minutes without making a scratch they had no intention of giving up. After hearing my rendition of Atomic they were convinced the machine must be destroyed.

"More power Sheila!" The cable tethering them to their power supply was starting to spark and sizzle.

I explained why that was a bad idea. "It wouldn't be safe. The Mark One is already operating at dangerous levels."

They didn't care. "More I say! More!"

"Less I say. Less." I meant it. Cutting them off made the prototype shut down and lock up, rather annoying it's occupant.

"Get me out of here! I can't breath!"

"Oh stop exaggerating. There's enough air in that thing to last an hour."

My robot arms removed the suit piece by piece to reveal an angry Kelly. "Why did you stop me? We gotta test this thing to the limit if we're gonna fix it's problems in the Mark Two."

"I know Project Shero is your baby but we've got more important things to deal with."

I put a feed on the monitor of SheZow battling Tara in the sky over a carnival, much to the crowd's delight. Currently Tara had him trapped in the snotacles, but that changed when his skunk stripe stretched out to grab them. One hairy pink tentacle could hardly overpower a dozen slimy green ones, but it did keep them busy. With her snotacles distracted she was defenseless as SheZow charged up a ball of pink energy in his hands and chucked it at Tara. The glamsplosion was too much for her and she retreated rather than face another. While she flew away SheZow was slowly sinking down into a crowd of cheering fans and Kelly was totally confused.

"Where did him and Tara get those new powers? Why did you wait until now to tell me about this?"

"They got them from some quack with a bicycle pump and I'm telling you now because I've just finished searching the database to confirm my suspicions. It looks like your brother has been making deals with shady characters again."

The video was replaced by Hansfranz criminal record, basically just a long list of 'Practicing supermedicine without a license' charges. It was the images of his former patients that got Kelly's attention. They were sickening. Superhero after superhero in sad feeble states, barely able to get out of bed much less fight crime.

"Is... Is that gonna happen to Guy?"

"Only if you don't hurry."

* * *

By the time Kelly finished puttering across town on her scooter the adoring crowd had dispersed and the boys were posing for portraits. SheZow wasn't happy with his, a depiction of him riding on Crash Thunder's shoulder.

"Black and white? I thought we were gonna get color. And you forgot my choker!"

What a whiner. That artist whips up an amazing image of exactly what he asked for in less time than it takes the author to write a paragraph and all he can do is complain. Luckily Kelly had shown up to set him straight. Jamming a finger in his chest she shouted with well practiced volume.

"You fool! You should know better than to let some stranger mess with your superpowers! Any idiot could tell that offer was too good to be true!"

Having long ago embedded a relay in her hairband I used it project myself between them. "What she's trying to say is that your new powers come with life threatening side effects and you need to get rid of them."

Realizing she might have been too harsh Kelly jumped on my explanation. "Uh, yeah. That's what I meant."

SheZow was skeptical. "Oh please, you're just jealous that I'm even awesomer now."

"She is, but it's true. I looked up your new friend and he's got a nasty record behind him." I projected the same pictures I'd shown Kelly. "All he did was pump you full of hot air. It's only a matter of time until that air goes stale and you go stale with it."

SheZow tried to rationalize what he was seeing. "Not all of his patients end up like that though, right?"

"You're right. I only showed you the lucky ones."

Sensing the darkness in my words he nervously tugged at his collar. "Isn't there any way to fix this? You gotta help me Sheila!"

I couldn't resist rubbing a little salt in his wound. "Gee, can't you figure it out by yourself?"

Kelly wasn't as cruel as I was, yet. She threw an arm around her scared sibling and tried brainstorming a solution. "If you got something pumped into you can't you just get it sucked out?"

Puncho made an observation. "His pump had a switch to set it for suck, remember?"

I had a plan. "So all you've gotta do is find him and take that pump."

SheZow still looked gloomy. "How are we gonna find him though? He just suddenly appeared and disappeared as soon as he was done. Who knows where he is now."

"What if we draw him out? You and Tara both met him after getting your butts kicked. Maybe if you get beat up again he'll show up again." Silly as Puncho's idea was it did have a grain of truth, as I explained to the children.

"You're right about drawing him out, but I don't think getting hurt is what did it. He must have somehow sensed you two were jealous of each other and desperate enough to fall for his scam. You need to feel like that again to summon him."

"I can't feel like that again after what you told me. Besides he'd recognize me."

Kelly scratched her chin in thought. "Good point. If we're gonna lure him into a trap we need someone who won't be recognized and is genuinely desperate for superpowers. Do we know anybody who fits that... Wait, why are you guys staring at me like that?"

* * *

"Why does Maz get to use the Mark One? I designed it!"

Really? You designed it? I remember a certain AI doing most of the work, but now wasn't the time to argue. "Because his sidekick disguises are paper thin and we can't risk him being recognized. Besides don't you like your Her-cules costume?"

"Not as much as my power armor."

A muffled voice replied from inside the suit. "What's to like about this thing? I can't move!"

He was frozen in place because they hadn't switched on his battery pack yet, much to Guy's annoyance. "Can you two wait until I'm not in mortal danger to fight over who gets to wear what?"

"He's right. We need to catch Dr. Snlsketch quickly if we're gonna reverse the effects."

Kelly had the nerve to try correcting me. "You got his name wrong Sheila, it's..."

"No I didn't! Get to work!"

With a grumble she activated the power armor and took her position. The suit would only have enough juice to operate for a few minutes at the lowest settings, but it would hopefully be a believable opponent. As it warmed up Maz flipped on his loudspeaker to read the lines I projected onto his HUD.

"Beware Her-cules! For you face the mighty Sheclops and my..."

Kelly already had a problem with my script. "Sheclops? It was Odysseus who fought the cyclops not Hercules."

My voice hissed from her hairband. "It doesn't matter! Just read your lines!"

"You may have devoured my friends Sheclops, but I will..." She rolled up one of her gloves to check the notes scribbled on her arm. "...avenge them!"

She threw a punch right at his visor and regretted it the moment she made contact. While she rubbed her bruised knuckles Maz tried to kick her, but he was so slow it looked more like a dance move than an attack. As their lame fistfight dragged on it started attracting onlookers and soon everyone in the park was watching the spectacle. Hidden among the crowd Guy whispered into his ring.

"It's working Sheila. Is there any sign of the doctor?"

"How would I know? I don't have a clue how he teleports in like that." Actually I do, but I could hardly tell him it's through the magic of lazy writing

"You really don't know? You always know stuff like that."

"Look just don't worry. I'm sure he'll show up and you'll be fine." You always are by the end of the episode, I think it works the same in these fics.

Meanwhile the epic battle raged on. "You will never defeat me Her-cules! Your quest for the pink fleece will end in..."

Again Kelly had to criticize my writing. "That was Jason not Hercules! Hasn't anyone but me read Greek mythology?"

Oh forget this. I've got a new plan. Using the speakers inside Maz's helmet I whispered in his ear. "You know that stash of chipadillas you had hidden in the lair? It was Kelly who threw them out. I didn't see what was wrong with them, but she insisted they had gone bad."

Actually I threw them out when I got sick of the smell, but I need to hurry this thing along. "Nobody touches my snacks! The expiration date is a suggestion not a rule!"

"What are you talking about? I never... Hey put me down!"

Lifting Kelly over his head he used his last power reserves to chuck her into a fountain. As his armor went into lockdown the crowd closed in and lifted the victor over their head. While Maz was being carried out of the park by a cheering procession Guy dived into a bush to watch the aftermath. Kelly had climbed out of the fountain and was wringing out her costume, muttering to herself as she did so.

"Stupid Maz going off the stupid script... I don't know why they like those chipadillas anyway... I'm going to get him for this..."

Guy was about to lose hope when an Austrian suddenly appeared standing in the fountain behind her. "I can help with that, it will cost you though."

She was so excited by the offer she forgot why they were there and started digging for her wallet. Guy stayed focused though.

"You go girl!" Charging out of his hiding place SheZow tackled the scammer and started wailing on him. "Take that you scumbag! And that! And a little of this!"

Remembering her job Kelly snatched the pump from his hands, only to have it snatched from her hands by a snotacle. It retracted back to a tree where Tara sat among the branches, her costume camouflaging her against the leaves.

"Thanks for putting on your little show! I needed a way to make him appear." Sticking the tube in her mouth she began gleefully pumping.

Kelly tried getting it back, but the snotacles put a stop to that. There were more of them appearing every second and she was quickly overwhelmed. After trapping the doctor in a fishnet SheZow leapt to her rescue, but even he couldn't save her. For every snotacle he sliced with his laser lipstick three more appeared to replace it. The great green Kraken grew more powerful with every pump and their was no stopping it. It now sprawled over the entire park and easily subdued SheZow. Holding him and Kelly at eye level Tara began her monologue, though it was somewhat hard to understand with the tube still in her mouth.

"I've been waiting a long time for this SheZow and I'm gonna savor it. I'm gonna stretch my revenge out as long as possible. I'm gonna... I'm... I... I feel sick."

Her skin had turned the same color as her costume. For a moment she wobbled back and forth on the branch, then fell like a rock. As she lost consciousness the snotacles went limp and dissolved into puddles of mucus. Standing in the middle of the mess the twins exchanged confused looks before asking in unison.

"What just happened?"

Projecting my hologram between them I explained. "She pumped so much that she popped. Tara never did know when to quit."

Guy liked the sound of that, but Kelly was more compassionate. "Is she gonna be okay?"

"Oh don't worry she'll be fine. Just toggle the switch, suck that stuff out of her, and get her to a superdoctor. A real one."

"Sounds like a plan, but I'm getting mine sucked out first."

"Fine, whatever. Just make sure you do one thing Guy."

"Yeah Sheila?"

"Wash off that tube before you stick it in your mouth."

* * *

At a nearby pizza parlor a spontaneous party had broken out celebrating Sheclops' victory. In a shockingly short time they'd filled the place with decorations, strung up 'Hooray for Sheclops' banners, and even hired a band! Maz still couldn't move, but his friends had gotten the helmet off and were feeding him slices as they recounted the story.

Guy was at the end. "So just when it looks like we're done for Tara gets this sick look on her face, faints, and falls right out of tree. Apparently she overdid it."

Kelly gave the epilogue. "When the cops showed up we told dad about SheZow saving the day, but all he cared about was making her pay for the cleanup."

"That ain't gonna happen!"

"Wow. I wish I could have helped, but I couldn't talk my fans out of a party."

"It's cool dude. I wouldn't have said no to free pizza either." Guy was reaching for another slice when the music came to a stop and the bandleader made an announcement.

"We've got a special treat for you folks! Who'd like to come up here and do some karaoke?"

Oh no...


End file.
